So we’re one week into the Marriage Between Friends workshop  that Antoine and I are facilitating. I am really worried that I will be so busy teaching the class that I miss out on the opportunity to grow myself. I feel  a little distance between us. I can’t really put my finger on what it is.

The first homework is to read chapters 1-3 in the text “The 7 Principals for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman and answer a couple of questions. Even though the book says Stonewalling (one partner disengages in the interaction) is primarily done by males, I realize that I have made stonewalling a habit in my interactions with Antoine. I feel consistently psychologically and physically flooded with his information sharing. I feel the need to disengage emotionally so I don’t explode. Inside I am praying for self control because my heart is racing and my mind is screaming “please stop talking”.

In the past when overwhelmed I would respond with disrespectful words and tones to demand what I need. These talks would leave Antoine feeling beat down. Now I don’t blurt out in disrespect but  have retreated inward to stonewalling and disengaging. It however leaves me feeling distant from Antoine emotionally.

Also I  hesitate to tell Antoine what I need for fear of hurting his feelings and coming across rude and disinterested  in him. I also feel bad that I don’t always share his love of reading and ideas.

After we complete the homework individually we sit to share our responses. Antoine initiates going first and shares that he feels the distance and recognizes that he can tend toward a defensive self pitying mode when challenged by me. This helped open the door for me to share how and why I was stonewalling.

We talked and because he recognized that he moves towards self pity and I move towards disengaging we fought in the conversation to be different and were able to be honest and begin repairing our emotional connection. I stated that I need Antoine to “ask me” if I was in an emotional place to process his ideas before beginning a deep conversation and if I  said “not now” he would not respond in a self pitying mode. I would then go back to him and initiate the conversation once I have prepared myself.

We agreed that we both have to be prepared to take responsibility and own our feelings for the things that come out as we look  into ourselves and our interactions with each other throughout this class.  My fears were relieved. I am definitely gonna have many opportunities to work on me!