As we come to this final week of our Marriage Between Friends workshop I have had the amazing opportunity to watch 6 couples (and ourselves!) grow and develop in ways that have been really encouraging. So in a nutshell what have we learned together?
It seems the most common struggle among us was the tendency to protect ourselves from being hurt by putting up defenses. In other words we simply avoid being VULNERABLE with our spouses  . IT is HARD being vulnerable no matter how long you’ve been married. For example Pam and I have been married for almost 25 years (This December 1st!!!) and we still find it challenging to talk about such basic issues as our sex lives. Twenty five YEARS, and we still struggle with talking things through as if we were newly weds!
We may describe a particular problem as being the fault of our husband or wife. We may blame some aspect of their character. We may minimize how we are really doing or we may even become hyper-critical, but if we allow the Spirit to really speak to our hearts, we would clearly see something very different.
We would see a frightened child who fears that he/she is unloved, shameful and abandoned. We may also hear fears of being rejected by others if they knew “what’s really going on.” in our marriages (or with us). We may sense a fear of certain secrets coming out that could force us to face some ugly truth. Maybe we would even hear a voice that says, “If you dare deal with this issue, then your marriage is over”.

All these fears are hidden behind four “protectors”:
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
and Stonewalling (Gottman 2015)

Although they’re  very effective at keeping us “safe”, absolutely nothing grows when these protectors are on duty. We grow to love and value these protectors and they’re like our pesonal security force protecting us from any hurt that a spouse could possibly dish out. But if you want a marriage that thrives there’s only one solution; GET RID OF THEM.
If you still doubt this assessment, try giving them up for one week…just one week, and note how different your relationship is. You will also find yourself feeling some stuff that you probably haven’t felt in a while, both pleasant and unpleasant.
You would also come to understand and know your husband/wife in ways that you never have before. You would discover, or rediscover, that powerful spark that drew you together in the first place.