Some of us may remember an old Twilight Zone episode where the lead character,  a notoriously nasty criminal, died and ended up in a “heaven”, where every bet was won, every need was supplied and every attempt was successful. He felt extremely bored and complained to the “angel” about heaven’s accommodations. The angel replied to the unfortunate criminal, “Who said this was heaven?” and began a sinister laugh, as the man realized his eternal fate was sealed. It was a classic Twilight Zone where, in this case, being stuck, even in “heavenly” circumstances, is a form of hell. There’s nothing quite so deadening as being stuck. The circumstances may vary, but being stuck in a literal situation, or a relational one, is extremely frustrating. You may see what you want in life, or in this case your marriage, but simply can’t get there. You may exert effort, but end up feeling more like a hamster in a wheel than anything else. Sometimes our efforts only make us even more hopeless, because we point to them and say, “Look at what I’ve done already and nothing is working”.  Satan loves stuck points and so do we, at first, because they can be safe and  familiar.
Nothing seems to work and you find yourself only being able to do what you have already done, over and over again. This is where examining our stuck points can begin.
Much of what we have been experiencing in our workshop has been the process of examining  stuck points and getting off the treadmills we’ve created in our marriages. We have seen God working through this as ingrained patterns are exposed and new hopes embraced. Pam and myself felt, and still feel, we definitely have a good marriage, but nevertheless we were in a holding pattern of stagnation and a lack of vulnerability. I am grateful for the growth we’ve already experienced  working through the second principle of our curriculum, “Nurturing Fondness and Admiration”.
It has been one of the highlights and privileges of my faith to watch other couples begin to break free of their  stuck points, take responsibility for their own personal growth and step into the freedom of rediscovering their first love. For those in the group, I want to encourage you to keep going and  trust the process. For all others reading this post, please consider that sometimes its not about trying harder, its about trusting that their is hope in getting help outside of what you already know. Followers of Christ are life-long learners and He knows what we need. Sometimes it means facing truths about ourselves that may have been neglected for years, but God will come through!

One of my favorite authors wrote the following in describing what love can feel like, on an emotional level.

“The following statement express the emotional reality at the foundation of long-term links: ‘I love you, and I’m afraid I will lose you. I’m afraid you’ll die. I’m afraid you will stop loving me. I need you. I need your love.’ Though simple, these statements get to the heart of closeness. If two people love each other deeply, they can truly help each other bear these feelings, provided they can get past the idea that expressing them shows weakness or that they can make them go away by denying them.”

Aron, Elaine N. (2010-04-01). The Undervalued Self: Restore Your Love/Power Balance, Transform the Inner Voice That Holds You Back, and Find Your True Self-Worth (p. 238). Little, Brown and Company. Kindle Edition.

Pam and I have been really encouraged by our kick off session of Marriage Between Friends and it promises to be a really powerful experience. It seems God brought people from various sources ranging from old friends to couples we don’t know from Adam! One of the benefits of facilitating a marriage workshop  is that we, as a couple, get to examine and strengthen our own relationship, you know, just  tighten it up a little. At least that’s what I thought until I heard Pam say she wanted to fill out the Lock Wallace Marital Assessment form “anonymously, like all the others in the class”. The Lock Wallace form is an initial assessment tool given out to the participants and it  asks some pretty straight forward questions about marital satisfaction. In addition to rating your overall marital satisfaction from “Very Unhappy” to “Perfectly Happy” other questions include;

• Do you ever wish you had not married?
• If you had to live your life over again, do you think you would marry the same person?

“So..uh..why don’t you want me to see it?”

I immediately felt a great twinge of insecurity welling up inside. There was that voice that said, “Uh oh, its all going to unravel now. She has been trying to hide the fact that she’s really been miserable. Perhaps she’s been hiding it because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. She should just tell me the truth and stop trying to be so over protective! If it’s really that bad she should just tell me now an get it over with. There is something really wrong and I don’t know what it is! I am not really as loved as i think I am!”

 After I shook myself out of this internal panic I dared to share  these thoughts with Pam and she said it was nothing more than wanting to follow what all the others in the program did.  We had asked all the participants to fill out the assessment and turn it in anonymously. Most did just that and so filled out the form without showing their spouse, which Pam wanted to follow.

Where did all that come from? The fact is, no matter how long  we’ve been married, there is always a nagging part of us that feels we are just unloveable. We fear this  unlovable part of us will be seen and, once seen, our spouse’s love will become extinguished. This (we are unlovable) is a lie.

The truth is, this fear has been around way before I met Pam and explains why marriage stressors are so extremely painful. They expose our shame and vulnerability. At worse, my fears can become self-fulfilling prophecies or confirmations of this horrible lie. In Christ, we can embrace the truth that we are valued and loved despite our fears and our worst case scenarios. In Christ we can know that our worst fears are a lie. We are lovable, we are valued and we are worth it. At its best, marriage can be a source of healing that reflects this truth, helps us handle these feelings and calm the soul. This foundation is the solid ground that friendship can be built on. We love because he first loved us, despite our fears to the contrary.

So this journey begins for the dozen or so participants of our workshop and, even for the facilitator, it promises to be a wild ride! It promises to be more than just tightening up a few loose ends.

What are your thoughts?

For all involved in the course, enjoy your reading and we look forward to Monday!

As I sit here watching Pam crochet a hooded baby blanket ( a tradition for the last 10 years) I realize that we have reached the point where we have lived together as husband and wife longer than we have lived separately as singles (25 years this December)! What made the difference?
I would say it’s been three factors. A conviction that we are disciples of Christ and ultimately our love for him has been an anchor through the not so “lovey -dovey” times. Two, the support and encouragement of all the faithful friends God has placed in our lives at he right time and finally, “the discovery”.

Dr. John Gottman is presently one of the foremost researchers on what it takes to make a marriage last and has been able to predict whether or not a marriage will fail with more than 90% accuracy!
After more than 20 years of research he and his wife have distilled 7 principles that form the basis of his therapeutic approach to enhancing and healing marriages. So exactly what was his discovery? In one word; friendship.

John 15:12-15 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. (NIV)

Ultimately, it is the quality of the friendship between a couple that will determine if one’s marriage will be a disaster or a joy. In thinking of my best friend for over 25 years I could not agree more. Communication, understanding our gender differences, addressing our love languages, conflict resolution, etc… are all good but it’s been the quality of our friendship that has gotten us through financial, emotional, parental and even sexual challenges. Jesus has laid this foundation for us and now science has finally begun to see it! Biblical friendship is covenantal and based on self-sacrificing love and this is what makes the difference. For followers of Christ friendship is what makes marriage a delight and forms the covenantal bond that will last a life time.

Thank’s Pam for being my best friend.

One of the greatest inventions known to man (I realize this is somewhat of an exaggeration) is the Global Positioning System. The only device that allows you the luxury of never being lost! We could be driving through some strange town in upstate New York or be in the deep south. We could be on the west coast of the U.S. or just running errands in Westchester county. As long as we have a GPS in the window we can  to where we want to be just as if we lived there for decades!

The primary reason a GPS works is that it answers the question, “Where are we?”, but this information is MEANINGLESS without answering the question, “Where do you want to go?” Of course the GPS knows our location way before our intentions are made known, but this information is useless without a goal. In other words, the GPS supplies where we are, but only we can supply where we want to be. I think that much of Continue reading “What is it you want?” Nehemiah 2:4 →

In marriage we promise each other eternal partnership. For better. For worse. For richer. For poorer. In sickness and health. And so on and so on. At the time, I was not thinking about through menopause, career change, life changes, church change, character changes and so on and so on.
I’ve had to redefine what our partnership looks like at every change in our lives. This is the work of making marriage last. It’s being in the present at all times. Its consistently looking at what’s happening to us right now? How am I feeling about it? How will I communicate how I’m feeling? What will I do to keep emotional closeness through what’s happening? I felt great about being the only one working while my husband goes to school to change careers. Our finances were ok, though at times it did get tight. I was feeling ok. So far not too much had changed. When My husband graduated in June 2015, I was elated. We celebrated with a huge party. Great! It was over. We’d done it! Then we find out, it’s not over. He has to complete more internship hours over the summer. My attitude, ok let’s do this. But now I find myself being anxious, worried and fretting over finances. I felt embarrassed to share because I thought, why fear now after three years of being faithful. It took awhile to own that I was disappointed because of the extension. I had set a time in my mind and now I had to adjust. My soul grew a little weary and tired. I felt bad. I felt I needed to be faithful for my husband but I was falling apart inside. I needed to replenish the faith for myself. I talked about what I was currently feeling and found strength to keep going in faith. Yesterday my husband finished his last day of internship. Our partnership in tact. We’ve had to have many days this summer to check in on our emotions to deal with worry and anxiety. From one day to another things are different. From one hour to another things are different. I have to force myself to look at it honestly. I have to own my feelings. I have to carve out time to stop and reflect, communicate and resolve to keep our marriage partnership emotionally close.