Who’s Your Daddy?

“Therefore, you should pray like this

-Our Father in heaven,”

Matthew 6:9-13

After describing how NOT to pray (Matthew 6:5-8), Jesus brought into prayer, for those who are committed to learning  from him, the unique approach of addressing God as “Abba” (Galatians 4:6, Romans 8:15) Father. Today, this seems kind of obvious, but at this period of time it was a huge paradigm shift. The great and mighty God of Israel and of all creation is addressed with the same way every Hebrew child addressed his earthly father. Jesus taught that our relationship with God begins with an understanding of our identity as children of God. The way we relate to God will determine HOW we relate to our spouse, our neighbors and our selves. The amazing thing is  it’s also  true of our earthly parents.

In counseling couples one of the first things I look for is an idea of each person’s family history. In other words, I want to understand what their relationships were like growing up with their parents and siblings. I want to understand how they have made sense of their history with the adults who’ve raised them. This has been proven to be a critical issue in ALL relationships. The latest research has even verified that our own parental connections will determine the nature all of our other relational connections. Specifically, it’s how we have made sense of our childhood relationship to our parents (Collins, Read 1990). It is the story we tell ourselves and others about our moms and dads that sets the stage for everything. I believe this is equally true with God. Jesus knows that our working model of how we view God will affect everything. How we treat our spouses is a portrait of our working model of God and of our personal family history.

 God is not condemning. God is not blaming. God is not contemptuous and critical. God does NOT treat us as our sins deserve. If you have come to Christ, then you can come to this God as your Father, whose acceptance of you is without question. You can come to God as your Father, who wants to know all your fears, failures and temptations. You can come to God as your Father, who accepts all your ugly parts, ugly emotions and embarassments. You can come to, this God as your father being real, being vulnerable and being open with Him on a daily basis.

Here are some Psalms that reflect this truth!

Psalms 23, 42, 84, 116, 117, 118, 121, 131

But wait there’s more!

Another great thing about the Father is that he is OUR Father! Jesus explicitly uses the plural, in contrast to our individualistic approaches to faith here in America. We are not alone in this family! He also surrounds us with the right brothers and sisters at the right time and not just our husband or wife (1 Timothy 2:1- 3:16). We are God’s household!

James 4:17

Challenge:

Reflect: What does my marriage say about my view of God?

Be open with your Father and be also open with a trusted sibling (brother to brother, sister to sister)  about your fears, failures and temptations. Be healed.

 

Collins, Nancy L.; Read, Stephen J. 1990. Adult attachment, working models, and relationship quality in dating couples. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 58(4), Apr 1990, 644-663.

                                                 

                                                 

“But I Need Help With My Marriage!”

Christian Psychology, Discipleship and Spiritual Formation, Marriage, Uncategorized

What does prayer have to do with marriage?

During Jesus’ days on earth prayer had become, on the one hand, the vain babbling of pagan worshippers, or on the other hand, a performance of piety for “righteous Jews”. In the first case, it was the repetition and abundance of words that would appease the gods, who would reluctantly squeeze out a blessing because of the worshipper’s verbal workout. In the second case, it had become a theatrical production for the street corner and the synagogue. It seems that words themselves had became an idol with  magical powers over the spiritual realm or it became about elegant wording that become a tool of status in  the “church”.

Matthew 6:9 “And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words. Therefore do not be like them. For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him.”
One commentator, David Guzik, quoting Clark says, “One can pray long – but to the wrong god. In 1 Kings 18:26 the prophets of Baal cried out, “O Baal answer us” for half the day. In Acts 19:34 a mob in Ephesus shouted, “Great is Artemis of the Ephesians” for two hours. The true God isn’t impressed by the length or eloquence of our prayers, but the heart. “Prayer requires more of the heartthan of the tongue. The eloquence of prayer consists in the fervency of desire, and the simplicity of faith.” (Clarke)

Not much has changed since those days. It seems that much of our prayer lives end up either  being for a human audience (even if it’s for us), or as a magical incantation, that if recited properly “in Jesus Name”, or some other verbal rite, would gaurantee blessing. Personally, I have always struggled with prayer as a discipline, much like most of us struggle with dieting and exercise. It has been a mixture, at times,  of great pride in my potent and personal piety or it was an area I hoped no one asked about! And let’s not talk about praying with my wife! It has been an on again-off again carousel of guilt or embarrassment.

The Lord’s Prayer has always fascinated me because  it seemed either too simplistic or  too complicated. Even as a young Christian we were taught to the “ACTS ” prayer as a model, rather than the one Jesus actually gave for disciples. Could it be we have been missing something by ignoring this model? As a side note, I do not believe Jesus called his disciples to recite the prayer as a strict incantation, but I do beleive he intended for us to embrace it as a pattern.

So here was my challenge; to embrace the Lord’s Prayer, on a committed daily basis for the next year. I would do so in the hopes of understanding its depths and exploring its power. The only other detail I added was that this  would be, each and every day ,a prayer in a “closet”, meaning without interruption and NOT just on-the-go. My challenge began in January and now, in February, I have already noticed a definite shift in prayer’s personal meaning for me.

The Lord’s prayer is about relationship, at its core, and it is the sum of all the prayers in the Bible, especially the Psalms. Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote, “It would not be difficult to arrange all of the Psalms according to the petitions of the Lord’s Prayer. We should need to change only slightly our arrangement of the order of the sections” (Life Together and Prayerbook of the Bible: Dietrich Bonhoeffer Works. Minneapolis: Augsburg Fortress, 1996, 177). It lays a relational foundation that will transform ALL OTHER RELATIONSHIPS.

We have made a horrible shift in our day away from relationship, (especially in the religous world) and our marriages have suffered accordingly. Dr. John Gottman, (America’s foremost relationship expert), lists trust and commitment as the “walls” of the Sound Relationship House and “love maps”, really getting to know your spouse’s inner world, as its foundation! Simply put, in our knowledge of God, this is what prayer is actually about!

What Jesus has given is is a distillation of all biblical prayer and a model that allows us to approach God in such a way that simultaneously heals our wounds and moves His heart.

We can divide (my personal approach)  the Lord’s Prayer into seven parts;

Our Father…

Your Name Be Holy

Your Kingdom Come…

Give Us…

Forgive Us…

Lead Us…

Close

It’s about relationship!

 

 

Marriage: Less Common, More Fragile

Little world, full of little people

shouting for recognition, screaming for love,

Rolling world, teeming with millions,

carousel of the hungry,

Is there food enough? Wheat and corn will not do.

The fat are the hungriest of all, the skinny the most silent.

James Kavanaugh

 

Today’s culture is missing something. It’s missing something so fundamental that just being religious, or even zealous, won’t  fix. The religious and the un-religious “pagan” actually both share this quality, because we both share the same culture. We are empty on the inside and, even when we lay claim to heaven, there is something wounded in us all that increasingly demands to be healed. Modern living is living in the world of broken relationships and neglected hearts.

“Less Common and More Fragile”

MARRIAGE

85% of the U.S. population will marry at least once. (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2006) Approximately one-third of all weddings in America today form stepfamilies. (Deal,

2005)

Of the 2.3 million marriages in 2006, about half (53%) took place in a religious setting. (PREPARE/ENRICH E-Newsletter, 2007)

While the average cost of a wedding is $27,500, less than a third of first marriage couples seek premarital preparation and less than 25% of pre-stepfamily couples do (see the section on Preparation for Marriage).

Age at first marriage has been on the increase for more than four decades. In 1960, the median age for a first marriage was 22.8 years for men and 20.3 for women. In 2005 the median age for first marriage was 27 years for men and 26 years for women.

(Popenoe & Whitehead, 2005)

Over the past forty years, marriage has become less common and more fragile.

Between 1970 and 2005, the proportion of children living with two married parents dropped from 85% to 68% (US Census Bureau, 2005). Also, the percentage of two-parent families varies by ethnic/cultural group: 87% of Asian children live in two-parent homes; 76% of Caucasians; 70% of Hispanics; and 42% of African American. (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2006)

Almost 20 million Americans—about 9.9% of the U.S. population—are currently divorced ( U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2006); 25% of all Americans have been divorced at some point (Barna, 2008. Used with permission.).

About 75% of those who divorce will eventually remarry. (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2006)

Closeness with either a biological or step-father is associated with a decrease in the likelihood that an adolescent boy will expect someday to divorce. (Risch, Jodi & Eccles, 2004)

Religious attendance is positively correlated with higher G.P.A.’s for teens. (Fagen, 2006)

Couples who agree on spiritual beliefs report significantly higher marital satisfaction and couple closeness than couples who are low on spiritual agreement. (Larson & Olson, 2004).

For adults, a stable, happy marriage is the best protector against illness and premature death, and for children, such a marriage is the best source of emotional stability and good physical health. Decades of research have clearly established these links (Burman & Margolin, 1992; Dawson, 1991; Verbrugge, 1979).

Marriage education is effective in promoting marital quality and stability. Well- researched marriage education programs have demonstrated that brief, skills-based educational programs for couples increase couple satisfaction, improve communication skills, reduce negative conflict behaviors including violence, and may prevent separation and divorce (Markman et al., 1993; Wampler, 1990).

Single-parent families rose to an all-time high in 2005 to 37% of families. (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2006)

 

(compiled by Ron Deal 2014)

 

As reported above marriage is presently “less common and more fragile” than ever, but I am convinced that this is merely a symptom.

We are experiencing the natural consequence of life without God. Note that I did not say life without a belief in God, or a religious label or even “fired up” commitment to our doctrinal stances. I mean life without God in the sense of a daily experience that actively sees God revealing himself, healing our “issues” and learning to trust Him in the details.

 

This begins a series of posts that are an exploration of the ground zero of all our issues and concerns. Yes, it’s about prayer but it’s not a new technique. Yes, it will deal with marriage and family concerns (including blended families), but also speaks to the single, empty-nester, the divorced, the campus student, etc… We will look at Jesus’ solution to turning what has become “less common and more fragile” into what God intended for it to be.

To pray is to engage in life with God. Prayer is first and foremost the active path of healing our souls from all the damage accumulated over the course of our lives. Prayer, first and foremost, changes us before it changes anyone, or anything, else. The Lord’s Prayer is a condensed summary of all that it means to communicate with God. There is no greater outline, no greater approach and no greater teaching on prayer. So follow along and let me know your thoughts! I am not a master-teacher, but I want to become more tomorrow than I am today,

Challenge: How would you presently describe your prayer life to a friend? Write it down and keep it so that you can refer to it later.

 

 

Perseverance! Now that’s what I need!

As this year winds down I try to remember what’s the thing for me that I want to hold onto. Where have I been found lacking over and over again? In perseverance! Now that’s what I desperately need.

I have grown this year in not doubting God. I have learned that God’s plan is the best. Even when painful. I have learned to not throw tantrums and whine about things not being fair and why me! I have begun to hold onto the truth that God is right. My thinking needs to be questioned. My understanding needs to be questioned. How I’m handling something needs to be questioned not God. He always has my best interest in mind. He works for the good even through pain.

As I grasp this fundamental truth there arises in my soul a lack of patience. I know God is right. His way is best and now I am fretting. What if I don’t live to see it. What if it doesn’t happen in my life time. I grow weary of waiting. I tire of doing the right thing. Hope deferred makes my heart sick. I find myself losing heart.

I look at things that need to change in my character, my husband’s career , and my children’s lives and I fret. When Lord! When Lord! I know you can but when. I’ve seen you do it for others. But what about for me? I pray to not quit in the last mile. I pray to persevere.

Its  been over 25 years of praying for my children and they have not accepted you. It’s been the same years praying for my siblings and family to accept you. Not yet. So many good things that I hope and dream for and the answer is, not yet. I’m ok for the short run. But in the long run. Over years and time. I grow weary.

Today I read in Psalm 37:8 not to fret it leads only to evil. So I pray. And I stand still. I fill my heart with peace that God’s timing is also the best.

Perseverance !  Now that’s what I need.  The ability to keep doing good no matter what I see or feel. Perseverance born out of a trust in Gods word. Held together by a belief in His promises.  God help me to fix my eyes on Jesus and gain faith from his reliance on you through the bleakest of times. Strengthen me for the task to press on to achieve the goal. Grant me the  perseverance to finish the race set out before me.

Keeping Gratitude in a Throwaway Culture

Discipleship and Spiritual Formation

We are in full swing! The next few weeks is going to be flood of holiday cheer and frenzied shopping as we count down to the 25th. This Sunday I was asked to preach! Wow, I was super-encourgaged by this and immediately began wondering what would I share. After a week or so of going back and forth,IMG_2718

I asked our evangelist what he thought and what our members needed. I was encouraged to consider the topic of gratitude as a focus.

The more I thought about it, it does seem gratefulness takes a back seat to either to happiness or mild despair for most of us. . Gratitude looks at what it has and is moved to greater and greater appreciation. Gratitude expresses itself by thanking the source and appreciating that source of all His blessings. Happiness alone celebrates the gift but, at times, will neglect the giver. Happiness alone gets hyped  in the middle of great circumstances but crashes when its faced with disappointment.

Gratitude leads to happiness without fail but happiness will come and go depending on our circumstances.

The holiday season will make many very happy, but then must always settle back into “normal”. The hype of opening new gifts must always give way to the monotony of cleaning up afterwards (and following recycling rules if you live in NYC). Also, for many of us,  the season is a reminder of  lost loved ones and unfulfilled dreams. Gratitude on the other hand, allows us to pause and stand in awe of the undeserved privileges we have right now,have  had in the past and will have in the future. Gratitude allows us to remember our loved ones and appreciate their influence in our lives while we look forward to spending time with loved ones here.

I found this quote by author Melody Beatty (Codependent No More) captures it powerfully;

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.

It turns what we have into enough, and more.

It turns denial into acceptance,

chaos to order,

confusion to clarity.

It can turn a meal into a feast,

a house into a home,

a stranger into a friend.”

Wherever you are in the spectrum of moods around this season. I want to encourage you to focus on the undeserved privileges that are all around us. This is probably the surest path to emotional well-being!

I am truly grateful for Pamela Lee and for being a dad to Tennelle Simpson and to Tony Lee for the past  25 years! God is amazing!

Family

Spend some time in Romans 5 and let this word settle into the holiday season!

Antoine

 

 

Lasting Change in 2016

It’ll be here in less than a month. It’s coming slowly but surely! No, not the Force Awakens ( I will hopefully see it after the rush!) but the New Year is almost here! The time for resolutions, examinations and fresh starts. This is partially the reason for the spike of action in January  and February, which then drops in April and May. We may start off strong and then fizzle out or we may just give up on any change at all. This tension is woven throughout my life and most of the friends and family around me. The Serenity Prayer is very true as it daily asks God for the peace that comes from accepting the things we cannot  change, power to change those things we can and  the wisdom to know the difference. It seems in these troubled times we’re all seeking this kind of wisdom. We may have some great goals in mind as we look forward to the New Year as a kick-start.

Some of us may also notice that our lives are becoming less and less functional. Some may struggle in parenting  our children (at whatever age), because as soon as we get a grip on one phase, they’ve  already moved on to another. In our marriages, we may have seen the past year reveal or continue some conflict, sin or weakness that keeps us stuck. We may personally feel that there’s some deeply buried sadness  gnawing at us that only seems to get louder and louder as we get older. Whatever it us for you, I want to offer some hope. The hope I want to highlight in this brief writing is this; God wants to heal you, before he wants to change your circumstances.

 To some this may not seem so encouraging, but I am of the conviction that the greatest wound of all  is the lie that says we are not valued or loved. We want and we fight for some outward change, but may still neglect this fundamental truth of the Gospel. If anything,  Jesus wants to communicate to us  this fact; YOU are loved. This is confirmed by his resurrection and ratified in his blood. As I read from a devotional this morning…

-Hebrews 13:20

 Now may the God of peace—

who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus,

the great Shepherd of the sheep,

and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood—

may he equip you with all you need

for doing his will.

May he produce in you,e

through the power of Jesus Christ,

every good thing that is pleasing to him.

All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.

 Yes, we all want some changes and we may be avoiding other changes, but imagine God’s perspective. He first wants us to know our worth, as His shepherded people, and then he actively prepares us for our ultimate destination and goal.

    The word “equip” used here in Hebrews  means exactly that. It’s actually the same word used in Matthew 4:2, where it says the disciples were “mending” their nets. God is mending you together and completing your wholeness, whether its for the first time or after a long lapse, if we allow him to. Embracing this calling and this love  is what Christian ministry (leadership, serving, counseling, etc…) is all about.  I urge you to hold on to this truth. Seek help. Don’t settle. Don’t just keep doing what you’ve already done!

Embrace inward change as the first change of 2016.

Renewed Love

Renewed Love Valentine's Weekend
Married Couples!!! Don’t miss this event. Renewed Love – Valentine’s Weekend Retreat 2016
Feb 12, 2016 – Feb 14, 2016 · Lancaster Marriott at Penn Square, 25 South Queen Street, Lancaster, PA, US
Speakers and Presenters include:
Marcos & Amarillis Mercado, Delaware
Chris & Juanita Gissentaner, New York
Antoine & Pam Lee, New York City 
William & Tosha Archer, Virginia
Michael and Shawn Patterson, Atlanta
“How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice!” – Songs of Songs 4:10 (NIV)

Silver Anniversary

Marriage

cropped-cropped-IMG_268712.jpg

We celebrated our 25th Anniversary. What a milestone! It turned out to be a great romantic time with my best friend. In thinking about the two weeks leading up to it, things were a little scary. We were teaching a class to six married couples using the John Gottman book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work so I was feeling the challenge to not be a hypocrite but put into practice what I was telling them. However I realized that I wasn’t feeling excited about our anniversary coming. We had neglected the romantic side of our marriage for so long that the idea of a romantic over night felt forced. I felt ashamed to admit this to myself and especially to Antoine. On top of that I was feeling critical and easily irritated with Antoine. I met with a friend for lunch and shared what I was feeling. This made me feel better to finally get it out of my head. But I felt worse because I had no plan or desire to be different. The next day I read a bible study on “Being Thankful”. It hit my heart hard. Then I heard that a close friends mom died. The combination of the two softened my heart towards Antoine and I realized that I stopped being thankful for him. I was giving into contempt and taking him for granted. I thought about how time is short and he’s not guaranteed to be here for another anniversary. I decided I would make the lead up fun so on the actual day I would feel close to him emotionally. I decided to count down to our anniversary. I waited until there were seven days. Antoine joined me in counting down to our anniversary. He chose the theme of Silver Anniversary. All his gifts were silver or wrapped in silver paper.

 

Day Pam’s Gift to Antoine Antoine’s Gift to Pam
7 Conti’s Cookies (gift wrapped) Silver #7 Helium Balloon
6 Chocolate cigars from Chocolate Place Silver Salt & Pepper shaker
5 Card with Five Characteristics I admire Silver Bar Swiss Bank
4 Candles that spell out LOVE Silver wrapped chocolate
3 Popcorn bowl with two seasoning toppers Silver picture frame
2 Starbucks Hot Chocolate On a Stick Silver rose
1 Nighty Flowers delivered to job w/silver heart balloon

 

 

After Day 5 we got into a huge argument and I felt discouraged to keep giving. We were distant for a day. Then Antoine and I spent some time talking and being honest with each other and that really helped. I explained that I made a plan to repent of contempt and ingratitude and when he used harsh words to start a conversation it made me feel defeated and want to quit trying on us. I felt he really listened to how I was feeling and pledged to be different. We were both trying to encourage each other and feeling a little awkward because it’s not natural for each of us yet. Despite how I felt I continued to give the gifts. Each day I thought about how much I loved Antoine and so by the over night I felt close to him emotionally. During our time away we were able to connect emotionally and be intimate. After 25 years one would think that being close should come naturally. I find the contrary to be true. What comes naturally is contempt and ingratitude. Emotional closeness and gratitude takes work.

Get Rid Of It!

Ephesians 4:29
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
 

As we come to this final week of our Marriage Between Friends workshop I have had the amazing opportunity to watch 6 couples (and ourselves!) grow and develop in ways that have been really encouraging. So in a nutshell what have we learned together?
It seems the most common struggle among us was the tendency to protect ourselves from being hurt by putting up defenses. In other words we simply avoid being VULNERABLE with our spouses  . IT is HARD being vulnerable no matter how long you’ve been married. For example Pam and I have been married for almost 25 years (This December 1st!!!) and we still find it challenging to talk about such basic issues as our sex lives. Twenty five YEARS, and we still struggle with talking things through as if we were newly weds!
We may describe a particular problem as being the fault of our husband or wife. We may blame some aspect of their character. We may minimize how we are really doing or we may even become hyper-critical, but if we allow the Spirit to really speak to our hearts, we would clearly see something very different.
We would see a frightened child who fears that he/she is unloved, shameful and abandoned. We may also hear fears of being rejected by others if they knew “what’s really going on.” in our marriages (or with us). We may sense a fear of certain secrets coming out that could force us to face some ugly truth. Maybe we would even hear a voice that says, “If you dare deal with this issue, then your marriage is over”.

All these fears are hidden behind four “protectors”:
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
and Stonewalling (Gottman 2015)

Although they’re  very effective at keeping us “safe”, absolutely nothing grows when these protectors are on duty. We grow to love and value these protectors and they’re like our pesonal security force protecting us from any hurt that a spouse could possibly dish out. But if you want a marriage that thrives there’s only one solution; GET RID OF THEM.
If you still doubt this assessment, try giving them up for one week…just one week, and note how different your relationship is. You will also find yourself feeling some stuff that you probably haven’t felt in a while, both pleasant and unpleasant.
You would also come to understand and know your husband/wife in ways that you never have before. You would discover, or rediscover, that powerful spark that drew you together in the first place.